Entry 12: Listen to your gut

Hello and welcome back to Sincerely, Courtney! My apologies for not posting an entry for about a month. I haven’t really known what to talk about and just decided to keep pushing it off. I feel like I have found myself in a bit of a rut lately and I’m not really sure why. I think there’s just been a lot going on and now that things have calmed down, I can get my bearings again. Today, I want to talk about doing what is best for you and sticking to your gut.  

When I was in London in May, I got a text from my boss saying I needed to call her boss. I was thinking to myself, this really can’t wait until Monday? So I give him a call and he says, “are you interested in moving?”. Now, this is a really loaded question so I said “it depends on where”. He then mentions that there is a promotion that is available in….. Sacramento, California. A place I have never been to or and in a state I had never once thought of living in. As I was talking to him, every word was going in one ear and out the other. I couldn’t believe that I was even having this conversation because at the time I had only been with my company for like 6 months. What do you mean I could get promoted? What do you mean the job is in California? I had only been back in Charlotte for a couple months and I finally got settled. I didn’t want to completely uproot my life and start all over again.

I tell him that I’ll consider it and go through the interview process.

The rest of my time in London I was constantly thinking about it. I was googling everything about Sacramento and videos of people talking about it on TikTok. I tried picturing my life there and this idea consumed everything. Once I get back to Charlotte, the conversations begin. I met with my boss and told her I was skeptical because I didn’t feel ready for a promotion and didn’t want to move. I still went through with talking to who would have been my new boss and that conversation went well. He was very nice and told me more about the role and we left it as “let me know if you’re interested in continuing with the interview process. I then went home, cried to mom because I felt like I couldn’t say “no I don’t want to” but I also knew I didn’t want to. I ended up saying yes I’ll continue and then he said he’d reach back out.

Well then about 5 weeks go by and there was no word. I spent everyday thinking about California and the pros and cons of moving. I genuinely tried convincing myself that I wanted the job and would be okay with moving but deep down in my gut I knew I didn’t want to. I was more afraid of disappointing people. Finally, I reached back out and interviews get scheduled. I ended up completing 3 interviews and after every one of them I found myself thinking “it went well and the person was cool, but this just doesn’t feel right”. When I was in Minneapolis, my sister and I talked about it a lot and I decided that I would tell my boss that I can’t keep interviewing and that I wanted to pull myself out of the process. I was supposed to have 2 more interviews. 

So the following Thursday comes around and I’m in a 1 on 1 with my boss and she asks if I’m ready to take the job if it comes to me getting an offer. I started sobbing. I really confused her because I hadn’t been completely honest about my thoughts and concerns because I was afraid to disappoint her and everyone else who had encouraged me to keep interviewing. Her and I had a great conversation and I told her that I didn’t feel like I had a good enough reason to say no other than I don’t want to. I’m single, no kids, don’t own property and nothing is really keeping me in Charlotte. She said that not wanting to do it was reason enough. 

The amount of relief that fell from my shoulders was insane. This was something that I had insane stress and anxiety about for 2 months. It consumed my every thought. I would be around my friends and thinking to myself “hm this wouldn’t happen if I lived in California”. It came down to every task I was doing, I found a way to think about California. Looking back, I was almost willing to take a job I didn’t want and move across the country because I was afraid of disappointing people.

It’s crazy how willing you can be to change your life to satisfy others. It just shows how much your will to people please is sometimes stronger than your will to make yourself happy. The people in my life were so supportive and told me what I really needed to hear. They knew I didn’t want to do this and were there to listen to all my thoughts and concerns. I am so thankful for their honesty. 

It is so important to listen to your gut and do what’s best for you. I think your body knows things before your mind does. The stress and anxiety took a toll on me everyday but my mind was still racing to find a way to make this work. It got to a point where I just knew I had to say no and be done because my gut was screaming the answer at me. In this situation, it was about a promotion and moving but this applies to literally everything.

If your gut is telling you to do one thing, but your mind is telling you another, listen to your gut. That is the one thing that doesn’t lie to you. Our brains think of all scenarios, the what ifs, the what could be and we create fantasies. Our gut knows the reality and what you really do and don’t want. It’s also so important to do what is best for you. I’m so thankful I chose myself and said no to this promotion. Following your gut is sometimes the harder choice but it’s always worth it. I don’t think I have ever regretted following my initial instinct. 

If you’re going through something and feel like your mind and body are conflicting with each other, I’d take the time to go through all your thoughts and concerns. Write it out, talk it out with someone, and really think through it. If you find yourself trying to convince yourself to not listen to your initial instinct, stop. I promise that was the answer, even if you didn’t like it. It’s difficult to hear and accept the answer you didn’t like or were expecting. Your gut knows, listen to it. Do what’s best for you. 

Sincerely,

Courtney